Bagels are great.  Especially when you have to be at work at 8a on a Saturday morning.

But there is an indisputable hierarchy to the greatness of bagels. Because, as you should know, not all bagels are created equal.

There are four main influencers in how good a bagel is: 1. Toasted or Not Toasted.  2. Plain or Flavored.  3. Topped or Dry.  and lastly 4. The brand.

Toasted.  A toasted bagel beats out a non-toasted bagel any day.

Flavor.  Flavored bagels are worlds better than a plain bagel.

Spread. Putting stuff on top of a bagel makes it better than eating those two things separate [which is still good].

Brand. Good brands make good bagels. Great Value bagel: decent [to be kind]. Einstein Bros.: off the chain [to be conservative].

Now this all seems easy enough, but hold onto your knee-socks because I’m about to blow your mind with some cross referencing! Here we go:

A non-toasted bagel with spread is greater than a toasted bagel without spread [assuming both bagels are plain].

A flavored toasted bagel is greater than or equal to a plain non-toasted bagel with spread.

A plain brand name bagel without spread is less than a plain off-brand bagel with spread.

A flavored brand name bagel without spread is greater than a plain off-brand bagel with spread.

It would take a while to type out my mathematical formula for determining the amount that each variable factors into the equation, so I won’t display it here.  But next time you eat a bagel think about how great yours is.

Andrew Nemeth